Where Is Winter?

by Primer & Grayscale

supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

      $5 USD  or more

     

1.
2.
03:36
3.
03:59
4.
5.
6.
7.
05:40
8.
9.
08:17
10.

about

The first full length album by Primer & Grayscale.

One of the most famous novels in Western History begins with the phrase “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” This story is of the latter persuasion. In August of 2015 I moved into the first floor of a house that I shared with eight other people. It was a dingy, run-down hole of a place that at one point was probably an office building, but now looked and felt more like an old hospital. The walls were painted a pale off-white, the kind of color that was meant to be as neutral and uninspiring as possible, a color designed to make sure that you had no feelings whatsoever for your surroundings. Below the chipping paint of the walls was a carpet whose original color was indiscernible beneath layers of dirt accumulated over countless decades of carelessness and abuse. It gave a vibrant new meaning to the phrase “permanent disarray.” On this squalid and bleak dwelling was bestowed the moniker “Kerr House”, and it was here that the nine of us lived through the winter season and shared some of the darkest moments of our lives. This album is an homage to the people that sat with me in that darkness, especially to my good friend Josh Earnest who saw the specters and felt the pain more clearly and sharply than the rest of us. If you are reading this, I hope that you are well and I hope that you find the peace has been long withheld from you.

credits

released April 22, 2017

All music by P&G
All lyrics by Zack Bowman

Zack Bowman - vocals, guitar
Dewey Fry - guitar
Forrest Larson - guitar, backing vocals
Ian Miller - bass
Adam Strapp - drums

Tracking/mixing by Forrest Larson
Additional tracking by Matt Very
Mastered by Cameron Boucher
Produced by Zack Bowman and Forrest Larson

Featured vocals on track 7 by
Andrew Alojipan (Kept On Hold) and
Matt Neal (Captain The Sky)

Featured vocals on track 9 by
Sean Dekonty (Second To Safety)

Group vocals on track 10 by
The Kerr House Family Choir

Album art by Ian Miller and Zack Bowman

A Geneva Songwriters Coalition Production

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Primer & Grayscale Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

Primer & Grayscale is a lyric-driven indie/punk/emo band from Beaver Falls. We're dedicated to making art that is honest, heartfelt, and thought-provoking.

contact / help

Contact Primer & Grayscale

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: Where Is Winter?
So here’s to coping
We’ve put another year behind us
Faced tragedy and survived it
At the cost of going blind
So here’s to groping in the night
For a light completely immersed in blackness
Covers us like a blanket
In the cold embrace of nothingness

And now summer’s upon us
And the air inside our lungs
Is filled with promises
That we don’t intend to keep
So we forge our armistice
And agree to come to peace
With our own emptiness
Fill holes with colored glass

Pretend we’re comfortable
So everyone we love
Can feel more comfortable
With the people we’ve become
While we were away from home
And their smiles, they give me hope
That I am lovable
Like a glimpse into the real

But where is winter?
I miss the pain that made me feel
Like I was something
And I was owed more than I had
So I could be bitter
But now I know that I am loved
And I feel no different
So what do I need to make me feel like I am whole again?
I wanna be whole again
I wanna be whole again
I wanna be whole again
Track Name: Flower
Winter’s come and gone
And here we are
A little worse for wear
But still alive and holding on
Our limbs covered in frost
And withered spots
We crave the heat of summer
We hunt the time that we have lost
Trying to stay inside the box

We are flowers pushing through
The sidewalk underneath your shoes
And when we start to bloom
We are beautiful, yeah we are beautiful and true

We search for things divine
In things finite
We run on tired legs
Until the sidewalk touches sky
Where history unwinds
And there we find
That everything we know
Is mere refraction of the light
We need to grow up tall and high

We are flowers pushing through
The sidewalks underneath your shoes
And when we start to bloom
We are beautiful, yeah we are beautiful and true

Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
We lived through the winter
And now we can finally bloom
Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
We lived through the winter
And now we can finally bloom
Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
So open the coffins
And roll back the stones from our tombs
Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
We lived through the winter
And now we can finally bloom
Track Name: Wholly Ghost
Paranoia’s got me caught up in a lie
That I am wholly ghost and I’ve already died
Oh and baby
I fight it daily

The person that I was and left behind
Comes back to haunt me every night

I’m fighting ghosts
That keep me cynical
And dissatisfied
Dissatisfied
Poking little holes
Until my brittle bones
De-calcify
De-calcify

Cuz there was once a time I didn’t feel alive
I let it out in every lyric I could write
No one blamed me
People praised me

But will you love me even when I’m fine?
Or am I only good at helping you to cry?
Could you hold me
Through the morning?

A little boy, a demon exorcised
Still visits me from time to time

I’m fighting ghosts
That keep me cynical
And dissatisfied
Dissatisfied
Poking little holes
Until my brittle bones
De-calcify
De-calcify
Track Name: Earnest's Law
Harmony is dead to me
Like the siren song of yester-year
And I can smell the stagnant stench of apathy
Descend on my room
You’re begging me to climb the ladder
But breathing here is half the battle
I’m caught in the discrepancy ‘tween where I am
And what I hope

And I want to believe
That this isn’t all I’ll ever be
And I want to believe
That this isn’t all that I will be forever

Some days honestly I want to be
Anyone except for me
I started thinking entropy runs in my genes
Makes up my bones
I’ve learned to sink in shallow water
I’ve flown the coup just like my father
I played the lamb, became the slaughter
Now I’m alone

And I want to believe
That this isn’t all I’ll ever be
And I want to believe
That this isn’t all that I will be forever

Well maybe I’m running
But I’m all out of time and out of places to hide
Maybe I chose this
But I have no confidence my choices were right

But at least I tried
Track Name: Roll Back My Stone
I wanna change, at least I think so
I wanna roll away my stone
I’m sick and tired of being feeble
But I can’t seem to pull my body from its hole
So I pace for hours in the attic
Back and forth, to and fro, all alone

This isn’t what I wanted, no oh oh oh
This isn’t what I hoped for, no I hoped

That time might let me roll my stone back, stone back
Time might let me roll my stone back, stone back

Well I asked you where the light went
And you said:
“If you’re tired of stumbling,
Just use the light-switch”
Well I wish it was that easy
To leave behind your burdens
But my stone won’t roll away
It’s shackled to my ankles
And I can’t pull the weight

But time might let me roll my stone back, stone back
Time might let me roll my stone back, stone back

Has anybody told you
That everybody hurts
That what you feel is normal
Somebody has it worse
No, you were never special
How dare you feel depressed
Just suck it up and smile
It’s all just in your head

Well I guess it’s all just in my head
Well I guess it’s all just in my head

Well I guess it’s all just in my head
(This isn’t what I wanted, no oh oh oh)
Well I guess it’s all just in my head
(This isn’t what I hoped for, no I hoped)
Track Name: If I Could Only Matter
Lying on the hardwood floor
I trace the grain until the lines conform
To something like a pattern
Trying to find the form
That I never fit into before
And losing any hope that I ever will

So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s
And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets
I hold my breath and clench my teeth
And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be

If I could only, if I could only matter
If I could only, if I could only matter

Walking as if asleep
I dream that everyone I meet
Would be better off without me (Would rather I had never been born?)
Watching through probing eyes
They decide that I am different at best
And at worst I don’t belong here at all

So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s
And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets
I hold my breath and clench my teeth
And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be

If I could only, if I could only matter
If I could only, if I could only matter

I know that I can, I know that I can matter
I know that I can, I know that I can matter
Track Name: Passion Play
Little spider in the corner of my house
Stay right where you are, I know what you’re about
If I look away you’ll bite me where it counts
And I can feel you creepin’ (I can feel you creepin’) I can feel you creepin’ down

The back of my neck
Where my hair stands on end
I’m losing my sense
Of discretion again

I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die
It’s not my time
It’s not my time
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die
Everyone dies
Everyone dies

Little spider in the corner of my room
I know it’s not your fault, but I still blame it on you
Cuz I’m afraid of anything I can’t control
And I can feel you creepin’ (I can feel you creepin’) that subtle doubt into my soul

On the back of my neck
Where my hair stands on end
I’m losing my sense
Of direction again

I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die
It’s not my time
It’s not my time
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to die
Everyone dies
Everyone dies

I’ll die and then I’ll turn to dirt
From dust I came and to dust I will return
We die and then we turn to dirt
From dust we come and to dust we will return
Track Name: Glass Figurines
Glass figurines on the mantelpiece
Standing at attention, begging to be seen
By anything that breathes

So beautiful but so prone to fall
And fracture into pieces, delicate and small
Delicate and small

And no one knows, no one knows, no one knows
No one knows how much it means until it goes
And no one knows, no one knows, no one knows
How to fix it once its broken

Barefoot footsteps in the living room
Speak into the silence, in calm familiar tones
On sore and tired toes

They raise the white flag to a broken home
And bury all the pieces, somewhere deep below
The things that help you cope

Cuz no one knows, no one knows, no one knows
No one knows the weight these shoulders have to hold
No one knows, no one knows, no one knows
How to fix you once you’re broken

What can I say
To help a girl that’s lost her mother
Because I want to make it better
But there is nothing I can do
So what can I say
Things are different, you don’t deny it
And I could never understand
So what can I say?
So what can I say?
So what can I say?

No one knows, no one knows, no one knows
No one knows, no one knows, no one knows
No one knows, no one knows, no one knows
How to fix you once you’re broken
Track Name: Fallow
There’s seven men in seven fields
And each will toil until he earns his yield
He gets what he has come for

Seven rows of treasure troves
We bury in the ground and hope they grow
Into exactly what we paid for

The first man buried pots of gold
The second sowed each row with lumps of coal
Invested in their futures

The third man planted poppy seeds
The fourth man killed his brother in his sleep
And buried him for keeping

We’ve all got seeds to plant
But it feels like we’re running out of earth
We see that harvest moon rising
And no-one wants to be first

And I don’t know if I can make it better, better
No I don’t know if I can make it better

The fifth and sixth had joining plots
And buried both themselves as lovers lost
They were finally together

And I just sat at home alone
I never ate, I barely ever spoke
Content to watch the world burn

We’ve all got seeds to plant
But it feels like we’re running out of earth
We see that harvest moon rising
And no-one wants to be first

And I don’t know if I can make it better, better
No I don’t know if I can make it better

You watch me rise, say I crest your horizon
But I’ve been watching you all the nights where we never changed
Before the visions that I’m pulled, to witness
We both look on as your surface lies unscathed
You’ve been waiting, you’ve been waiting and I’ve arrived at last
Neglected soil unfurrowed, no seeds have been cast
You’ll damn yourself just as you’ve cursed the past
You’ll damn yourself just as you’ve cursed the past

All my fields are lying fallow
I never plant a seed and nothing ever grows
I just lie in wait for greener pastures
And watch the thorns creep into my own

I am never truly sure if I should step forward towards the horizon
Or plant my feet firmly in the dirt that I laid for myself
If I should strive to break new ground or stay content with ground already broken
The field I sow is ripe for harvest, but every row is lined with headstones
To remind me that I am not the first, but possibly the last to die for a cause that I don’t understand
Help me God…I don’t understand

Blacken the sky
The moon will ascend
As I lie in the bed
That I made for myself
I am sure
That I have fallen
Shorter than all
And nothing can save me
From all that I’ve done
The nails in Your cross
Won’t be enough
To hold my body up
Track Name: I Will Not Die In Kerr
I was alone in my attic
The air was thick, stale, and wet
And I could already feel it creeping in

Like there’s a ghost in my body
And all my sins were laid bare
I felt my skin and my bones turn into air

I tried to float through the ceiling
I tried to end it right there
I was so fucking tired of being scared

Well my body sputtered out, I collapsed in the chair
But the silence beat like gongs into my ears
So I dragged myself to the window in fear
And told myself that no one would care

Then someone spoke in the silence
I heard her voice from downstairs
And the next thing I knew I was in the air

Then my face hit the pavement
I felt my walls closing in
Every fiber inside of me screamed “this is it”

But I felt a hand on my shoulder
Heard someone calling my name
And I opened my eyes to her smiling face

Well she didn’t say a word, but that smile on her face
Said more than any tongue could hope to say
Well she pulled me up, from the ground where I lay
And for the first time in years I wasn’t afraid

With tears in my eyes I begged her to stay
The ghost was gone, now we could be safe, together
And she said to me, you’ve gotta be brave
The world still hurts, you can’t run from the pain

We’re all born free but made to live in chains
The ghost might be gone, but darkness remains
We all feel suffocated under the weight
But if you can’t love then nothing will change

Well guide my hands and carry my feet
Where sidewalk and sky can finally meet
And once I’m there I know I will see
That everything is how it should be