Wholly Ghost

from by Primer & Grayscale

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about

I had a dream in which I exorcised a demon in the form of a small, emaciated boy on what proved to be the darkest night of my life. To this day I am unsure what that dream meant. I woke up to frantic knocking on my door and opened it to the worried expression of my then RA, Ian. “Becca thinks there’s a demonic presence in this house.” He led me down the short, but convoluted hallway to a lounge where all nine of us prayed together, somewhat awkwardly given our poor spiritual conditions. I could not shake the growing feeling of dread in my gut, due in part to the correlation of my dream and Becca’s premonition, and in part due to a fight I had had before going to sleep. That fight had caused another of my housemates to storm out of the house and caused me to have a full-blown mental breakdown. I left the house and did not come back for a week.

I cannot explain why, but the fact that the demon in my dream was a small, male child was deeply unsettling. It drew me all the way back into my own past and seemed to pull at all the deep-seated psychological and existential threads of my very being. The idea that maybe I had been born broken was not new to me. I often thought about how my experiences and nature as a child created deep problems in my present life that seemed insurmountable. In the current season of my life my reflections on my year in Kerr have had a slightly different color. Though my past problems seem much more escapable, it seems instead that my image as a depressed artist can’t be unwritten. Writing songs about the depth of my despair and spiritual struggle had given Primer & Grayscale’s listeners an expectation for honest expressions of pain, and what’s more, though I no longer felt that pain, I couldn’t seem to break out of writing those same kinds of songs. I felt that to stay true to the people who my music meant anything to I had to keep writing and performing morbidly depressing music. As such I continued to wheel the skeleton of my old self out of the closet any time I took the stage, creating an unhealthy and frustrating division between my self and my art.

lyrics

Paranoia’s got me caught up in a lie
That I am wholly ghost and I’ve already died
Oh and baby
I fight it daily

The person that I was and left behind
Comes back to haunt me every night

I’m fighting ghosts
That keep me cynical
And dissatisfied
Dissatisfied
Poking little holes
Until my brittle bones
De-calcify
De-calcify

Cuz there was once a time I didn’t feel alive
I let it out in every lyric I could write
No one blamed me
People praised me

But will you love me even when I’m fine?
Or am I only good at helping you to cry?
Could you hold me
Through the morning?

A little boy, a demon exorcised
Still visits me from time to time

I’m fighting ghosts
That keep me cynical
And dissatisfied
Dissatisfied
Poking little holes
Until my brittle bones
De-calcify
De-calcify

credits

from Where Is Winter?, released April 22, 2017

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Primer & Grayscale Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

Primer & Grayscale is a lyric-driven indie/punk/emo band from Beaver Falls. We're dedicated to making art that is honest, heartfelt, and thought-provoking.

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