If I Could Only Matter

from by Primer & Grayscale

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about

Perhaps the largest insecurity that I have struggled with my whole life is displacement. Since I was a little kid in grade school I have always felt different from my peers. Even though I have never truly had no friends, I have always felt more or less alone. Conversations never came easily to me and I often found it hard to relate to my peers, something that I covered up by spending most of time in extra-curriculars where all of my interactions with people could be goal-focused. I found it much easier to communicate if there was an intentional end to aim for. Nothing made me more anxious than small talk.

During my year in Kerr this insecurity reached outlandish proportions. I became fixated on the communication wall I perceived between myself and other people and began to question whether or not I was real. These delusions came in several incarnations. At first I became suspicious that the people on campus were not real, as if I was part of a divinely orchestrated version of The Truman Show. That morphed into the thought that I might be an alien, which would explain the distance I felt between myself and the people around me. At one point I thought that I might be the second coming of the Old Testament prophet Jeremiah, sent to warn indifferent people of the vapidity of their existence. All of this was brought on by the latent fear that the distance between myself and any given person prevented either of us from meaning anything to each other. I feared that I did not matter to other people, and by virtue of being unable to really relate to others, they could not matter to me. Whenever I was overtaken with these delusions I would lay on the wooden floor of my room and visually trace the patterns in the plaster of my ceiling. It was not uncommon for me to lie on that floor for hours at a time.

lyrics

Lying on the hardwood floor
I trace the grain until the lines conform
To something like a pattern
Trying to find the form
That I never fit into before
And losing any hope that I ever will

So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s
And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets
I hold my breath and clench my teeth
And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be

If I could only, if I could only matter
If I could only, if I could only matter

Walking as if asleep
I dream that everyone I meet
Would be better off without me (Would rather I had never been born?)
Watching through probing eyes
They decide that I am different at best
And at worst I don’t belong here at all

So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s
And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets
I hold my breath and clench my teeth
And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be

If I could only, if I could only matter
If I could only, if I could only matter

I know that I can, I know that I can matter
I know that I can, I know that I can matter

credits

from Where Is Winter?, released April 22, 2017

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Primer & Grayscale Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

Primer & Grayscale is a lyric-driven indie/punk/emo band from Beaver Falls. We're dedicated to making art that is honest, heartfelt, and thought-provoking.

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