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Where Is Winter?

by Primer & Grayscale

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1.
So here’s to coping We’ve put another year behind us Faced tragedy and survived it At the cost of going blind So here’s to groping in the night For a light completely immersed in blackness Covers us like a blanket In the cold embrace of nothingness And now summer’s upon us And the air inside our lungs Is filled with promises That we don’t intend to keep So we forge our armistice And agree to come to peace With our own emptiness Fill holes with colored glass Pretend we’re comfortable So everyone we love Can feel more comfortable With the people we’ve become While we were away from home And their smiles, they give me hope That I am lovable Like a glimpse into the real But where is winter? I miss the pain that made me feel Like I was something And I was owed more than I had So I could be bitter But now I know that I am loved And I feel no different So what do I need to make me feel like I am whole again? I wanna be whole again I wanna be whole again I wanna be whole again
2.
Flower 03:36
Winter’s come and gone And here we are A little worse for wear But still alive and holding on Our limbs covered in frost And withered spots We crave the heat of summer We hunt the time that we have lost Trying to stay inside the box We are flowers pushing through The sidewalk underneath your shoes And when we start to bloom We are beautiful, yeah we are beautiful and true We search for things divine In things finite We run on tired legs Until the sidewalk touches sky Where history unwinds And there we find That everything we know Is mere refraction of the light We need to grow up tall and high We are flowers pushing through The sidewalks underneath your shoes And when we start to bloom We are beautiful, yeah we are beautiful and true Woah oh oh, woah oh oh We lived through the winter And now we can finally bloom Woah oh oh, woah oh oh We lived through the winter And now we can finally bloom Woah oh oh, woah oh oh So open the coffins And roll back the stones from our tombs Woah oh oh, woah oh oh We lived through the winter And now we can finally bloom
3.
Wholly Ghost 03:59
Paranoia’s got me caught up in a lie That I am wholly ghost and I’ve already died Oh and baby I fight it daily The person that I was and left behind Comes back to haunt me every night I’m fighting ghosts That keep me cynical And dissatisfied Dissatisfied Poking little holes Until my brittle bones De-calcify De-calcify Cuz there was once a time I didn’t feel alive I let it out in every lyric I could write No one blamed me People praised me But will you love me even when I’m fine? Or am I only good at helping you to cry? Could you hold me Through the morning? A little boy, a demon exorcised Still visits me from time to time I’m fighting ghosts That keep me cynical And dissatisfied Dissatisfied Poking little holes Until my brittle bones De-calcify De-calcify
4.
Harmony is dead to me Like the siren song of yester-year And I can smell the stagnant stench of apathy Descend on my room You’re begging me to climb the ladder But breathing here is half the battle I’m caught in the discrepancy ‘tween where I am And what I hope And I want to believe That this isn’t all I’ll ever be And I want to believe That this isn’t all that I will be forever Some days honestly I want to be Anyone except for me I started thinking entropy runs in my genes Makes up my bones I’ve learned to sink in shallow water I’ve flown the coup just like my father I played the lamb, became the slaughter Now I’m alone And I want to believe That this isn’t all I’ll ever be And I want to believe That this isn’t all that I will be forever Well maybe I’m running But I’m all out of time and out of places to hide Maybe I chose this But I have no confidence my choices were right But at least I tried
5.
I wanna change, at least I think so I wanna roll away my stone I’m sick and tired of being feeble But I can’t seem to pull my body from its hole So I pace for hours in the attic Back and forth, to and fro, all alone This isn’t what I wanted, no oh oh oh This isn’t what I hoped for, no I hoped That time might let me roll my stone back, stone back Time might let me roll my stone back, stone back Well I asked you where the light went And you said: “If you’re tired of stumbling, Just use the light-switch” Well I wish it was that easy To leave behind your burdens But my stone won’t roll away It’s shackled to my ankles And I can’t pull the weight But time might let me roll my stone back, stone back Time might let me roll my stone back, stone back Has anybody told you That everybody hurts That what you feel is normal Somebody has it worse No, you were never special How dare you feel depressed Just suck it up and smile It’s all just in your head Well I guess it’s all just in my head Well I guess it’s all just in my head Well I guess it’s all just in my head (This isn’t what I wanted, no oh oh oh) Well I guess it’s all just in my head (This isn’t what I hoped for, no I hoped)
6.
Lying on the hardwood floor I trace the grain until the lines conform To something like a pattern Trying to find the form That I never fit into before And losing any hope that I ever will So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets I hold my breath and clench my teeth And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be If I could only, if I could only matter If I could only, if I could only matter Walking as if asleep I dream that everyone I meet Would be better off without me (Would rather I had never been born?) Watching through probing eyes They decide that I am different at best And at worst I don’t belong here at all So I dot my I’s and cross my T’s And fight the urge to slip into these restless sheets I hold my breath and clench my teeth And tell myself there’s so much more that I could be If I could only, if I could only matter If I could only, if I could only matter I know that I can, I know that I can matter I know that I can, I know that I can matter
7.
Passion Play 05:40
Little spider in the corner of my house Stay right where you are, I know what you’re about If I look away you’ll bite me where it counts And I can feel you creepin’ (I can feel you creepin’) I can feel you creepin’ down The back of my neck Where my hair stands on end I’m losing my sense Of discretion again I don’t want to die I don’t want to die It’s not my time It’s not my time I don’t want to die I don’t want to die Everyone dies Everyone dies Little spider in the corner of my room I know it’s not your fault, but I still blame it on you Cuz I’m afraid of anything I can’t control And I can feel you creepin’ (I can feel you creepin’) that subtle doubt into my soul On the back of my neck Where my hair stands on end I’m losing my sense Of direction again I don’t want to die I don’t want to die It’s not my time It’s not my time I don’t want to die I don’t want to die Everyone dies Everyone dies I’ll die and then I’ll turn to dirt From dust I came and to dust I will return We die and then we turn to dirt From dust we come and to dust we will return
8.
Glass figurines on the mantelpiece Standing at attention, begging to be seen By anything that breathes So beautiful but so prone to fall And fracture into pieces, delicate and small Delicate and small And no one knows, no one knows, no one knows No one knows how much it means until it goes And no one knows, no one knows, no one knows How to fix it once its broken Barefoot footsteps in the living room Speak into the silence, in calm familiar tones On sore and tired toes They raise the white flag to a broken home And bury all the pieces, somewhere deep below The things that help you cope Cuz no one knows, no one knows, no one knows No one knows the weight these shoulders have to hold No one knows, no one knows, no one knows How to fix you once you’re broken What can I say To help a girl that’s lost her mother Because I want to make it better But there is nothing I can do So what can I say Things are different, you don’t deny it And I could never understand So what can I say? So what can I say? So what can I say? No one knows, no one knows, no one knows No one knows, no one knows, no one knows No one knows, no one knows, no one knows How to fix you once you’re broken
9.
Fallow 08:17
There’s seven men in seven fields And each will toil until he earns his yield He gets what he has come for Seven rows of treasure troves We bury in the ground and hope they grow Into exactly what we paid for The first man buried pots of gold The second sowed each row with lumps of coal Invested in their futures The third man planted poppy seeds The fourth man killed his brother in his sleep And buried him for keeping We’ve all got seeds to plant But it feels like we’re running out of earth We see that harvest moon rising And no-one wants to be first And I don’t know if I can make it better, better No I don’t know if I can make it better The fifth and sixth had joining plots And buried both themselves as lovers lost They were finally together And I just sat at home alone I never ate, I barely ever spoke Content to watch the world burn We’ve all got seeds to plant But it feels like we’re running out of earth We see that harvest moon rising And no-one wants to be first And I don’t know if I can make it better, better No I don’t know if I can make it better You watch me rise, say I crest your horizon But I’ve been watching you all the nights where we never changed Before the visions that I’m pulled, to witness We both look on as your surface lies unscathed You’ve been waiting, you’ve been waiting and I’ve arrived at last Neglected soil unfurrowed, no seeds have been cast You’ll damn yourself just as you’ve cursed the past You’ll damn yourself just as you’ve cursed the past All my fields are lying fallow I never plant a seed and nothing ever grows I just lie in wait for greener pastures And watch the thorns creep into my own I am never truly sure if I should step forward towards the horizon Or plant my feet firmly in the dirt that I laid for myself If I should strive to break new ground or stay content with ground already broken The field I sow is ripe for harvest, but every row is lined with headstones To remind me that I am not the first, but possibly the last to die for a cause that I don’t understand Help me God…I don’t understand Blacken the sky The moon will ascend As I lie in the bed That I made for myself I am sure That I have fallen Shorter than all And nothing can save me From all that I’ve done The nails in Your cross Won’t be enough To hold my body up
10.
I was alone in my attic The air was thick, stale, and wet And I could already feel it creeping in Like there’s a ghost in my body And all my sins were laid bare I felt my skin and my bones turn into air I tried to float through the ceiling I tried to end it right there I was so fucking tired of being scared Well my body sputtered out, I collapsed in the chair But the silence beat like gongs into my ears So I dragged myself to the window in fear And told myself that no one would care Then someone spoke in the silence I heard her voice from downstairs And the next thing I knew I was in the air Then my face hit the pavement I felt my walls closing in Every fiber inside of me screamed “this is it” But I felt a hand on my shoulder Heard someone calling my name And I opened my eyes to her smiling face Well she didn’t say a word, but that smile on her face Said more than any tongue could hope to say Well she pulled me up, from the ground where I lay And for the first time in years I wasn’t afraid With tears in my eyes I begged her to stay The ghost was gone, now we could be safe, together And she said to me, you’ve gotta be brave The world still hurts, you can’t run from the pain We’re all born free but made to live in chains The ghost might be gone, but darkness remains We all feel suffocated under the weight But if you can’t love then nothing will change Well guide my hands and carry my feet Where sidewalk and sky can finally meet And once I’m there I know I will see That everything is how it should be

about

The first full length album by Primer & Grayscale.

One of the most famous novels in Western History begins with the phrase “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” This story is of the latter persuasion. In August of 2015 I moved into the first floor of a house that I shared with eight other people. It was a dingy, run-down hole of a place that at one point was probably an office building, but now looked and felt more like an old hospital. The walls were painted a pale off-white, the kind of color that was meant to be as neutral and uninspiring as possible, a color designed to make sure that you had no feelings whatsoever for your surroundings. Below the chipping paint of the walls was a carpet whose original color was indiscernible beneath layers of dirt accumulated over countless decades of carelessness and abuse. It gave a vibrant new meaning to the phrase “permanent disarray.” On this squalid and bleak dwelling was bestowed the moniker “Kerr House”, and it was here that the nine of us lived through the winter season and shared some of the darkest moments of our lives. This album is an homage to the people that sat with me in that darkness, especially to my good friend Josh Earnest who saw the specters and felt the pain more clearly and sharply than the rest of us. If you are reading this, I hope that you are well and I hope that you find the peace has been long withheld from you.

credits

released April 22, 2017

All music by P&G
All lyrics by Zack Bowman

Zack Bowman - vocals, guitar
Dewey Fry - guitar
Forrest Larson - guitar, backing vocals
Ian Miller - bass
Adam Strapp - drums

Tracking/mixing by Forrest Larson
Additional tracking by Matt Very
Mastered by Cameron Boucher
Produced by Zack Bowman and Forrest Larson

Featured vocals on track 7 by
Andrew Alojipan (Kept On Hold) and
Matt Neal (Captain The Sky)

Featured vocals on track 9 by
Sean Dekonty (Second To Safety)

Group vocals on track 10 by
The Kerr House Family Choir

Album art by Ian Miller and Zack Bowman

A Geneva Songwriters Coalition Production

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Primer & Grayscale Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

Primer & Grayscale is a lyric-driven indie/punk/emo band from Beaver Falls. We're dedicated to making art that is honest, heartfelt, and thought-provoking.

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